~ By Amelia
(Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for committed, safe marriages. If you are facing domestic violence and abuse or are in danger, get help and please dial 911. Also reach out to the hotline below.)
“I am tired of this and am about to dip out,” said my frustrated friend who is 3 years into her fresh marriage. Once again, her husband had tuned her out, did not heed her advice, chose his buddies, and leaned on his mother’s word over hers, and now: They found themselves in a financial pickle. As I listened, I could feel that this was only the tip of the iceberg of issues that were compiling. Underneath all of the frustration and perceived disappointments there was pain, the effects of emotional neglect, feelings of worthlessness and downright invisibility plaguing her heart. Anyone on the outside looking in might say she had every reason to walk away by now. The lack of support at home, the constant competition with his mother, and the reckless financial decisions were all taking a toll. I myself have faced massive challenges in my 11-year marriage. From angry blowouts, unhealthy connections with family, to neglect, ineffective communication and more - we have grown to look at our problems from different perspectives and join each other in the process of finding a solution. We have overcome with the help of the Lord as our mediator, prayer, resources, friends and a mutual willingness to do the work. I could relate with her from our early years. Now, this beautiful partnership before me was being threatened by a common enemy, one that seeks to tear them apart and leave them destroyed and unfulfilled.
She was expressing how the rut just felt too deep, and the gap was too wide to be bridged. I asked her: What did your vows mean? She quoted them. Their vows were nothing short of beautiful and poetic in nature. Yet in this moment, I encouraged her to focus on the simplest but most profound phrase in her vows: I DO. It stands for more than a fleeting try-out session, it stood for commitment in spite of the storm: I DO! This means everything our spouses did, up until we walked down the aisle is what moved us to get married in the first place. However, we said “I do” to everything that was yet to come. We committed to sticking in there through good and bad times. We vowed to be there even when he doesn’t make us smile or meet all of our needs. We committed to choosing him. Even when it hurts.
I further asked her: What does the Word say?
She could easily recite all the verses about submission and a husband loving his wife as Jesus loved the church. She even acknowledged that permission for divorce was not given when he inconveniences her or doesn’t follow the budget. Even so, our emotional state can influence how we perceive scripture. What was meant to be a source of loving guidance can, at times, feel like nothing more than a list of rules that you can’t relate to. So, I pointed her in the direction of 1 Peter 3:6 - For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. (NLT)
Abraham was clearly not an exemplary husband. This was to encourage her that, as wives we need only put our trust in God, regardless of how our spouses may fall short. We can refuse to give into fears about being provided for, or personal worth, or what we feel we deserve because we know God will honor us. I remember, I used to cry myself asleep at how frustrating it was that my husband: “Just didn't get it.” There were many days we were nothing but jerks to one another. Still, God would talk to me about me when I ran to tell Him all His son had done that day to wrong me. I wasn’t calling or treating my husband like a lord or someone honorable. My tone suggested nothing but disdain and disrespect at times. Something had to give, and we had to make changes.
This Scripture is also a reminder that the only person we can control in marriage is ourselves! See, marriage is not about your happiness. Happiness is fleeting. Marriage was meant to be a beautiful merging of two lives in love, that become the foundation of families and societies. The beginning can be rough (sometimes the middle and end too). It’s about your growth, sanctification and the demonstration of God’s unconditional love. Reaching joy is an ensured byproduct in my opinion. It’s dying to self in a way that causes you to rise. It’s true maturing.
You can be in a marriage and one partner just doesn’t see the blaring problem or the small fox that is destroying things between you. You can have two willing partners that just don’t know how to untangle the mess. You can have a willing partner and a more reluctant one and still make it work. We are not perfect (a perfect marriage does not exist), but I will say: We are healthy now.
Well, how do you keep loving your spouse when they don’t love you back in the way you need?
PRAYER – Practice a daily prayer for your spouse. God created them, get Him & keep Him involved. Pray for unity. Encourage yourself with the Word.
Don't shy away from counseling (Betterhelp https://www.betterhelp.com and Focus on the Family https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/ have great counseling resources).
Start calling them your best friend, your lover, your babe again instead of other names (You know what they are! Let’s be honest). I love to quote Song of Solomon 5:16 over my spouse.
Express things you are grateful for about your spouse, to your spouse. Nothing is too small. Get positivity flowing again. Build each other up. Value your spouse and what they contribute.
Press the pause button, if all you guys are accomplishing is tension and arguments. Step away and reconvene with set boundaries of acceptable communication.
Choose between silence and gentle communication. Remember as much as it depends on you keep the peace. When you do speak, let it always be soft, short & slow (SSS). Identify the issue. Care about each other’s view. Summarize, repeat it back and seek to understand the view. Validate your spouse.
Be intentional about quality time. It doesn’t have to cost a thing. Spend time with your lover intimately and for leisure. Busy? Schedule it and stick with it (Yes, even the sex).
Talk about the good times. Remember what made you fall in love. Get an old school photo album put together. The app Freeprints is great for getting all those photos printed for an album. https://www.freeprintsnow.com/
Brainstorm options together on an issue. No, my way or the highway approach. Evaluate the options and then choose one together. You can always revisit it, if the option doesn't seem suitable anymore.
Join arms with another married couple that have overcome challenges. We grow and learn from one another. Only employ a friend when it’s a trusted unbiased source that loves marriage. Safe spaces only.
Give lots of grace while you’re on the journey through tumultuous waters. Grace can be looked at as undeserved favor. Grace cannot be earned; it is something that is freely given.
These are some steps that can surely help turn the tide if applied consistently. Loving a spouse through difficult times is not always easy, it will take intentionality and discipline. Getting your spouse on board may require you to bear with him for a period of time. You are accountable for you. Walk it out and entrust the rest to God.
If you feel like you are in a deep crisis and on the brink of divorce, maybe you could benefit from a more intensive approach. The marriage boot camp Hope Restored can help couples facing a marriage crisis https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/.
I can say from personal experience: Though hardship can challenge a marriage, it can also offer an opportunity for growth and strengthen the relationship in ways that joy and ease cannot. I pray for whomever is reading this that your bond is strengthened and unbreakable. That bliss never leaves your nest, and you hold onto hope through all the rough seasons. May all you need and long for in marriage be restored to you.
***Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 or (206) 518-9361 (Video Phone Only for Deaf Callers). The Hotline provides service referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and the U.S. Virgin Islands.
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